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Minimum wage negotiations have reached a fever pitch as the National Labour Congress (NLC) takes a hard stance, refusing to settle for anything less than a six-figure minimum wage for civil servants.
Talks between the government, unions, and the private sector have been anything but smooth, with proposals ranging from a meagre ₦48,000 to a head-scratching ₦615,000.
With the cost of living skyrocketing and workers struggling to make ends meet, the NLC is digging in its heels, demanding a raise that reflects the harsh economic realities. It’s like there will later be nothing minimum when they finally win this minimum wage war.
Here is how an average Nigerian civil servant will make a lifestyle out of this minimum wage change when achieved
1. Champagne Popping in the Office
Imagine walking into Alausa secretariat on the first of the month, and instead of the usual sachet water, you see civil servants popping champagne! It’s no longer “Pure Water” but “Pure Moët” as the drink of choice. Quilox lite. Desk drawers previously stocked with Gala and La Casera will now be mini-bars filled with the finest spirits. Forget signing documents; they’ll be too busy signing autographs as the newest big shots in town.
2. The “Do You Know Who I Am?” Syndrome
The phrase “Do you know who I am?” will reach new heights because civil servants, now ballers with ₦600,000, will have their swagger levelled up when this minimum wage finally manifests. Expect to hear this everywhere, in every queue, and even at the barbershop. “Oga, I no like how you barb me last time. Better do am well now? My salary is more than your shop’s annual rent!”
3. Office Fashion Week
Gone are the days of faded Ankara and oversized shirts. Forget the three-piece suits gathering dust in the wardrobe. It’s agbada o’clock, every. single. day. Weekends will start on Mondays. Expect to see a full replica of Weekends Owambe at government offices every day.
4. Na me you dey give this small change?
Bribes will become sophisticated. Forget the usual “anything for the boys.” Now it’s “something for the men in suits.” Our men in black (PoPo) will top their game. They will be offered in Bitcoin, luxury watches, and all-expenses-paid trips to exotic locations. Imagine a typical conversation: “Oga, abeg help me manage this Rolex watch.” And the reply? “Ah, thank you, my brother. Next time, add Ferrari key.”
5. Epic Office Parties
End-of-year parties will become the stuff of legends. Think DJs flown in from Ibiza, ice sculptures, and fireworks. The typical Jollof rice and fried chicken will be replaced with caviar, lobster, and sushi. People will RSVP months in advance, and attendance will be a status symbol. Missing one of these parties will be like missing the Met Gala.
6. Inflated Titles
With the minimum wage, titles will inflate faster than price of petrol. The janitor will become the “Environmental Hygiene Executive,” and the secretary will now be the “Executive Assistant to the CEO,” while the gateman will always remind you to refer to him as GM. Every civil servant will have a business card with a title so grand, you’ll need a dictionary to understand it.
